It is Wednesday morning and I am at the Carpenter’s Shop sitting around a table with a group of mostly young men between the ages of 20 and 30. There is one woman in the group and 3 or 4 older men. We open our time together by checking-in about the week that was.
I ask: “How was Mother’s Day?” “Like any other day”, someone replies. Only two out of the group of 20-odd people had any contact with their mothers. I took the gap to ask how many of them connect with their fathers and learnt that not one person had contact with their father – either because he had died or because they were estranged from him.
We then moved on to speak about love. I asked: “What happens when you fall in love with someone? Let’s make a list together…” At that, I noticed the corners of some mouths begin to stretch into a smile as their mind’s eye focused on a love moment in their recent or distant past.
“Love is sharing… yes that is what love is.” Others agreed with the opening speaker – “Ya sharing … sharing your bodies…” This provoked some laughter and some less quotable talk. So I chipped in, “OK, love is sharing. Sharing what?”
“Sharing time… yes when I am in love and I am meant to meet her at 8 o’clock I make sure I get there at 7 o’clock”. Followed by some more laughter as well as a couple of “Ya me too … you waste lots of time in love but it’s not really a waste if you understand?”
“Love is sharing your money… ya you spoil them too much when you in love.” Everyone agreed. “Love is not cheap.” We went through a quick list: “I buy for her a cool drink on a hot day”, “new shoes” “or we hire a DVD to watch together”.
“Love is sharing secrets…” added another. This seemed to resonate with everyone, “… when you love someone you not scared to tell them everything – you don’t hide anything … you tell the truth…” Someone interjected, “Ya, but you don’t tell the one girl about the other girl.” More laughter. “That is sex, not love. You can have sex with many but you can only love one.” another argued back.
This then led to a conversation about how men can “have many” without the woman knowing but woman cannot do so without the man knowing. It was a serious conversation based on “logic”. I found it a terribly disturbing understanding of masculinity and couldn’t help making the link between it and the huge violation (especially sexual violation) of women in South Africa.
And then the same person who started us out on this bumpy road of disturbance turned sharply onto a new path taking us all with him. “Hey pastor, ag I mean Alan, where in the Bible does it say that stuff about love… read it to us… I think it was Petros who said it.” “No you idiot it was Paulos” someone enjoyed correcting him. “Well read it anyway…” he pleaded.
I started to read from 1 Corinthians 13…”Love is patient, love is kind”. “Ya that is the one… read it… you “ous” listen to it… hey shut up and listen… it is telling about love…” So I continued to read: “Love is not envious or boastful or arrogant or rude. It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices in the truth. It bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. Love never ends…”
We finish our time together by holding each other’s hands – heads bowed – held by the silence. We ask God to help us to trust that we are loveable and to show us that we have love to share with others.
In love – by love and for love, Alan